You can barely move for dark mode news stories these days. Gmail? Dark mode. Instagram? Testing dark mode. iPhones? Dripping in dark mode. It’s disgusting. And you, readers, should know better. “Oh,” you say, shuffling from foot to foot. “Disgusting? Hardly. I actually really like dark mode. It looks great.” Oh you poor, sweet, beautiful fool. Are you the sort of person that still has a Matrix-style screensaver on your Linux desktop computer? Because that’s what you’re communicating to me with dark mode. “Wow, that’s not very nice,” you say, with a sharp edge to your voice. “Just because my aesthetic isn’t ‘cool’ doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be catered to. Also, it really helps when I’m using my phone at night.” At night! I am so, so sorry — I didn’t realize you don’t have any lights in your house. That must be a real struggle for you. “No, I mean… it’s for when I’m in bed.” That’s a real adult problem you have there. Death, taxes, and using your phone before sleeping, right? Your dinner parties must be a riot. “No need to be a dick. Yeah, whatever, I use my phone in bed. But did you know that dark mode can actually help save battery life on OLED displays?” Truly, the argument to end all arguments. A little bit more battery life. Woo. You, my dear friend, are gonna lose your mind when you learn about external battery packs.
End scene one of ‘Fuck Dark Mode’
Was that back-and-forth a childish and unsubtle format to use when discussing dark mode? Fuck yeah, it was. That’s all dark mode deserves because that’s all it is: childish. When I’ve been browsing threads of people discussing why they use dark mode, more often than not it comes back to playing with their phones in the evening. People, buy a lamp. Or stop using your phone in bed all the damn time. It’s that simple. Okay, disclaimer: I’m sure there are people with eye conditions who dark mode really helps, and for that, you have my utmost sympathy. But the rest of you? Grow up. Companies have started introducing dark mode because they know when they do, heaps of people will be all over Reddit saying things like “OMG GOOGLE YOU INTRODUCED DARK MODE, YOU’RE SO COOL, THANKS!” If you like dark mode and post about it, you’re part of the PR machine. You’re part of the problem. Pathetic. To conclude: fuck you, and fuck dark mode. This column is a part of our daily Big Spam newsletter — subscribe here!
